Not Quite Random Thoughts

As I cross the parking lot this evening at Food For Less and step up onto the curb, something about the waning light and falling temperature puts me in mind of the end of the world. My eyes caress the balding and straw-like patch of lawn as if these beginning/end of season blades of grass are the last on Planet Earth. I look up and catch the tail of a cloud, the bill of a baseball cap a stranger wears, and the scent of bleach and baked goods coming from inside as the electric eye opens the automatic doors…

After watching a dvd alone, you spent that time in the bedroom and scold me without even trying when I come to tell you that not wanting to have children is not as simple as you make it reinterpreting my answer to your trick question – when I come to tell you that it’s you I love and did not marry to be made a mother. As I take the dogs out one at a time, their last opportunity for the evening, I think to myself, perhaps even out loud, three thoughts: 1) You deserve more than a wife who does not care about being covered in dog hair when she comes to hug you goodnight. I will never be anything other. And, looking around at the recently lopped hedges, tennis courts with one good net, and lights that work on timers like those you find in a sauna or steam room, 2) This is the life I get for never using my imagination, and 3) God has so much more in store for me and this is it…

A statuesque black woman emerges from the pool as Pepper and I come alongside it earlier in the evening. Steaming toward the jacuzzi her feet seem completely indifferent to the 50 degree pavement. Some part of me wanted to be her…

An email celebrating International Disturbed People’s Day was waiting with this message:

Life may not to be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance.

One thing I have come to learn about myself is that when I begin administering exhaustion like a drug, something early and terrifying has been restimulated and I am self-medicating to avoid it…

Can one be credited with transparency if one is, for all intents and purposes, invisible?


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